The Rantings Of A Stressed College Student

            Hi, my name is Logan Welliver. This is my rant. I have had a horrible day today, but that’s okay because it’ll be better another day. No reason to kill myself or anything. Just chillin’ here and listening to some music. I am male, not female. I happen to love music and I have a love/hate relationship with philosophy right now. Balls. My frustration word. I have this fancy new Mac and it’s been a constant source of joy and distraction. If I can pump out a thousand or more words from this I’ll be impressed. I’m not even at two hundred yet. When I get angry I think of all these fun things to do, but I never seem to do that, I think I need help. Facebook sucks, but it’s awesome. Why do girls suck? Even though they don’t. I just say that when I’m feeling lonely and really want someone to cuddle with, oh well. I need to play piano. But It’s late and I need to sleep. School sucks and at the same time it’s the best thing ever. I have a feeling it will get even better with time. I can just feeling my typing skills getting better by the second. I’m just gonna write a freaking novel right now. Here’s how it will start…

            There once was a boy. He had no arms, but he still wanted to play the piano. So instead, he tried using his toes to play. He was a massive success and he had no arms. The moral of the story is that you don’t need arms to be awesome. THE END.

            That was just a summary; it’ll be longer than that. Like a few words longer. That was the abridged version. It will be a massive success because it relates to everyone who doesn’t have arms. I have arms, but I imagine that it would be horrible if I had no arms. Off the subject of no arms. I need to get a big ol’ deep dish pizza. I wanna go to Giordano’s. How about a break? Just a break from life? I feel like I never get those, but I probably do more often than I think. I’m at (ß 371^st word.) 372 words. I need to print some stuff in the morning. I kind of wish I had my own printer; convenience is a beautiful thing. I did not know how to spell convenience, so thank God for spell check. Over the past two weeks I have gone from having no music in my iTunes library to having 3.7 days worth of it, that’s made up of 1452 tracks, I think that is some substantial progress. I actually feel like I’m doing something of worth, I am working my brain and maybe even my writing skills. This is creative writing so the rules of grammar don’t apply. For the most part. Screw. Full. Sentences. Go fragments! This is incredible. I’m just about to pass 500 words. This is my 500^th word. Not kidding, the word “this” is my 500^th word. Crazy. Productivity at it’s greatest. I’m determined to write until I get to at least a thousand words. I’m listening to Gungor and I just think they are so wonderful. They are musically inclined and have such great musicianship and yet have the greatest meanings to their songs. The combination makes them one the best bands ever. I really hope that one day I can write music that will rival Gungor in musicianship and overall worth, but that’s a very lofty goal. I’m on Facebook right now. The thing that is quite great about socializing on Facebook is that everything you say you can come back to and quote and it’s like a written conversation. Even though you don’t see people face to face. I wish life automatically recorded and documented conversation. Memories would have that much more value. Someone could be like… “I remember that one time, that was fun, remember what I said? Neither do I. Oh wait… Let’s look it up! Oh! Haha. What I said back then was really funny. I’m funny. Thank God that all these conversations are documented.” That would be in a perfect world, but I guess in a perfect world we would just be able to remember everything. Sounds pretty perfect. I really do wonder how people write books, I wouldn’t have the patience. But I do understand why it takes them so long… This could suck to write like a million words. I say “like” because it may not be a million words. More or less. Probably less. Unless it’s God and, and, and you wrote the Bible. How cool? I think it would be awesome to be one of the authors of the bible. I’m doing pretty well with this word count and so far it’s been under an hour that I’ve been typing. I’m impressed with myself. I think right now I’m crying out for a best friend. I want someone that I know better than anyone else and can talk to about anything and have absolutely no shame around. I’ve made a lot of friends here, but it takes time. It’s about to hit midnight, now. It’s now September 24^th now. I’ve been at school for exactly a month now. This is all going by so quickly. I’m not going to bed yet… Erg. I’m really anxious. I don’t want to be anxious. I want to be calm and relaxed. Dear God, please give me strength. Please. I’m a broken human and need some serious help. I’m so ridiculously messed up. I realize it’s incredibly easy to bash on myself. Is it that easy for all people? Probably not the narcissists. They could probably go on about how great they are for hours. But thankfully I haven’t met a person yet that is that extreme. In my finals words… Pray. The best thing you can do in any situation is pray. And then go do it. Go do something. Be awesome. Be awesome in God. Because God is awesome.

Hmmm... Another Therapeutic Rant.

CAUTION: YOU ARE ENTERING A MIND OF A STRANGER.

I got sucked into life... Take that back. More like pushed out into life. Haha. Crude. Being up late is when I do most of my thinking. I think I should start writing everything out. Showing my life. Selling my stuff. Forgetting about finding that perfect girl and focus on things that are for sure. Like failure. I know I'm going to fail. And succeeding. I know I'm going to succeed. There are only two outcomes in everything. Failing or succeeding. Great. What's my word count? Did I write enough to make a difference. Probably not. Darn. If this were a sheet of paper I'd probably just rip it up already, thank God for computer screens. I wonder how long I could write before I just fell asleep. Not very long. 1000 words maybe? Longer than most of my school essays. It is so much easier to rant on and on about what is on my mind than to write about one boring subject for school. Here we go. Or I go. Because no one would go with me. Delve into what is my mind. To most people it would probably be a bore, but to myself it's the most interesting thing in the world. Kind of like when I was watching 30 Rock today and Jack said he wondered what it would be like to see the world from Kenneth's eyes and it proceeded to change to Kenneth's perspective and show Jack as a Jim Henson puppet singing all the words that came through his mouth... Everything was so happy. Sometimes I see life through eyes that are similar. Lately though it has been a drag. More pessimism than optimism. Which is a shame because I'm a Christian. One would think that with a God as great as mine I would be happy and joyful all the time, but the truth is that sometimes Satan gets you down and you look lost as you ignore/are blind to anything and everything that is calling to you for you to come back and reach out your hand to theirs. Or maybe it's so dark you forgot you even had a life up in Joyland. Pure darkness. Pierced by the light. God help me. I find this blog to be very therapeutic. Now to another part of my mind...

DISCLAIMER: THE WRITER OF THIS BLOG IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EXPLOSION OF YOUR MIND, BODY, HORSES, DUCKS, REFRIGERATORS, PRINTERS, WEBSITES, CANDLES, PENCILS, TOILET PAPERS, TOILETS, POKEMON, MILK JUGS, PIPE LUBE, FRONT DOORS, PIANOS, WINDEX, TABLES, LAWNS, SHOWER HEADS, BABIES, CALENDERS, GENIUS, INSPIRATION, OR ASTHMA BEFORE, DURING OR AFTER THE READING OF THIS OR ANY OTHER BLOG POST ON THIS BLOG.

Sometimes I envy other people. It's usually not because of the stuff they have, but instead the stuff they have. Not they're possessions, but what they possess. People mature, and many of them as they mature acquire very attractive personality traits. Sometime this builds me up and gives me hope. Other times it makes me feel inferior or shy. How could I ever live up to a person like that? But I must always remember, regardless of how I feel that my identity is in Christ. I don't need to live up to that. For I am different and God is shaping and moulding me into a different person then they.

Everything comes back to the God I love. Which sometimes I don't live my life in the way I should. Anger and Jealousy, Annoyance and rage. Things like these take over my mind and my body and I am too weak to fight back and too stubborn to ask for help from friends or even more importantly, God. Wasting my life. That is what the past few months have been. And I'm not talking about getting a job or doing things society tells you to do, even though I probably should get a job. I haven't been making a difference for the Kingdom. I feel empty and kind of pointless and cruddy. That's because I know my purpose, but have been ignoring it. Smooth move. I just would love to be immersed in the beauty and love that is my God and Savior, Jesus Christ, but I feel like I lack the tools to do so. God save me.

It's hard writing a paper. At least for me it is. I'm in class staring at a screen for hours. I don't do much and I wonder where my motivation has gone. Is it the fact that I have six weeks left til graduation or is it the fact that I feel overwhelmed by things because I can't seem to start and finish one thing? Maybe I should find some outlet, some type of hobby that I actually enjoy and can do without someone yelling at me. I feel so done with high school. I praying and hoping that college will be better, but if I don't become more diligent will it ever change. And maybe even a lot of people will call me mature for realizing this, but the problem is, I don't feel like I am at all. I see people achieving these great things by doing what they love and they never stop working. But I feel trapped in things that I have grown tired of, maybe with the initial enthusiasm and then my interest tapered because it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. In fact, all the things that I thought I would be fine with I have struggled the most with, and the subjects I thought I would dread the most in the beginning ended up enriching my life the most.


I couldn't imagine what the people who started Google had to deal with when they began operations. And now they own the world. Without them there wouldn't be this great blog with this great user interface and I couldn't vent to the world as efficiently. Google gave everyone something that they could waste their time on or even be productive with. Writing is productive for the most part and in this case I believe that it could even be healthy or therapeutic. Production. Efficiency. Peace. Purpose. These are some of the things I would love right now. While I know I have a purpose, I feel as if I'm missing purpose in the things I do. While I do produce things, I don't feel like I produce things that are needed. While peace sits in my grasp I continually sit and wonder if I'll ever actually reach out to grasp it. And efficiency? Well I just do not know. 


I hope many things. But not in all things. I hope I can write a paper that will make some sort of difference in someone's life, but I dare not hope that it actually might come of something. And this defeats itself.


I might be rambling, more of me talking to myself than talking to an audience. For if I was talking to an audience I might want to pick a subject that people would want to read about. People get drama at school and on Facebook, so why read about internal issues on a blog? Isn't life full of better things? Such as Happiness and Joy? Peace and Hope? Faith and Love? Maybe. Well it is, but you don't always feel that way. Maybe that's it. The whole point of why I've been typing for the past twenty minutes. There is a disconnect.


There is a disconnect between my feelings and Truth. Because if my feelings were dictated by what I know to be true, I would have endless Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Love,  Faith and Self-control. But instead my feelings are dictated by what I see, which is very depressing to me now that I can see it. As once I saw the things of the world as something enjoyable, but I'm beginning to find it more detestable. And I as I find it more detestable I begin to find the things of God more delightful and even more fulfilling than what I had before. It's like replacing your diet of Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Capri Sun with fruits, vegetables and water. At first you may not think it a benefit for it does not taste as good, but as you reap the beauty and energy from this new found diet, you begin to cherish it.

Apathy

Apathy is, as defined by Wikipedia (Is the best), a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation, and passion. I have been fairly apathetic about everything lately, and some people make excuses to justify their lack of time spent doing anything worthwhile.  Well I have decided  that my excuses are not to justify as if I had done nothing wrong, but rather a confession and evaluation of my flaws. To begin, I must evaluate my apathy. It starts with this blog, I haven't posted in months. Second, my friends, close friends (I do have some), where has the time gone. Thirdly, schoolwork, as I am a senior and should not be getting senioritis until later on. And I can guarantee there are various other flaws, but I feel as if I must start with these three.
I do enjoy writing (Or typing), putting words down onto paper (Or a computer screen) and spilling out my thoughts and desires in hope that I may make a difference in someone's life as many authors have done in mine. I have many distractions that come into my mind as I write, or as I don't write. Even as I type right now I get distracted by the many news stories on facebook (Curse you Mark Zuckerberg!). Sometimes we all just don't care. Or have suppressed our emotions by replacing them with other things, useless things. Look! A duck!

But you know what I mean (I'm making the assumption that everyone reading this is semi-intelligent, hooray for you). Main point, I can't do what what I really want because I'm too busy doing things I think I wanna do, suppressing my true emotions, therefore apathy. I'm pretty shure (Mic joke!) this goes without saying that the same things applies to your relationships as well.

As you grow you find people that think you're a pretty chipper person and you return the feeling... sometimes. In my experience, this has come with great price. I make a great friend, but then somehow get out of touch. "Somehow" implying that I had no clue why. But now I do. I put great emphasis on things such as my electronics and my comfort over the things that truly matter most. Many a times when I find myself at home with friends, I will frequently ignore them as if the computer in more important. I then must quickly shut the computer due to my habits. And also the apathy of actually building up the relationships comes into play too. When friends invite me to hang, I more often than not find myself wanting to do nothing (I'm sorry to all) rather than getting up and moving out. This all had lead me down a seemingly never-ending spiral. I say no, so I lose friends, I lose friends, I become more insecure, I become more insecure, I make less friends, I make less friends, I wonder why people don't like me, I wonder why people don't like me, I pre-judge people and their motives, etc. Whereas this isn't so true as it used to be (Praise Jesus!), it does make me ponder why I did it? And why I continue to be apathetic about things, especially the more significant subjects. Bringing up subjects... Me and School have a very awkward relationship.

Where do I start? Me and School hit it off pretty early. We had a fairly playful relationship early on. I like her, she liked me. We played during kindergarten, art one day, house the next. I was the manly cop that came home with the money, she was the patient wife that always made me dinner and never forget to bring my "banana gun" to work. As we grew, she became so much more educational and involved, and while I knew she was good for me, I refused because it was all too difficult. 

Too difficult? God knows what would've happened to this world and everything else if we all decided not to do something because it was "too difficult". We'd all be dead. But even though I may dread learning something as I learn it, I do sure love it in the after thought. Just as we go through trials, we hurt, we burn, we come through in the end and we know what to do and what not to do. And this is why I can firmly say, next to Pride, Apathy is the most dangerous trait anyone can have.

People call it being lazy, the Bible calls it slothfulness, my mom calls it the devil. Apathy is great enemy to all. An enemy to those who want to be great someday, to those who are called to greater things, as us Christians are, and even those who intend to live. This is a wake up call to the masses, we must fix what we have not done, rather than what we have done because in actually we have done nothing. And to the countless numbers of teenagers out there. There is no such thing as "teenager", it's a word people invented to further narrow down age, not ability and maturity, you're either a child or an adult. Grow up America. We can no longer face what is before us unless we actually perform some task outside of ourselves. Diligence is the key. And our motivation should be Jesus, the one who saved us from all sin, including Apathy.

...

I gave this post no title. You can try to guess why, but you might be wasting your time. Just like the times we waste on all the other things that we think have meaning and purpose when in fact they do not...

Why do we waste our time? I could go on ranting and tell you that there is nothing to worthwhile to read, but still you persist. A good amount of my time is spent just wondering what I will put down. Some of it may make no sense, maybe the whole body is without purpose and maybe it amuses you, but if there is no moral, no purpose, nothing holding you there except maybe pure boredom and this is all filler.

Everything I am telling you is useless. My words are completely empty.

But more ranting could do you good, you need some randomness in your life, probably your life is pretty dull right about now. So is mine.

That was pointless, yet you still read, looking for a cheap thrill, looking for something to matter that doesn't. If nothing is going to come of what I write, or what we do, or the things we say, or the way we live our lives... Why do we do them?!

Take a step back, regardless whether you believe there is a purpose to life, think about this... What is there to gain from a believing that our life is purposeless? What is there to gain by believing there is no God? What is there to gain by believing there is some crazy God who forgot about a long time ago? What hope is there? Why do people continue to accept hopeless and idiotic ideologies and beliefs? What logical sense is there is believing these things? What sense is there is believing there is only hopelessness, despair, and disappointment? Why do these things give you satisfaction?

Pointless. When there could be purpose? Which would you rather choose?

Living a life without the hope of something more is idiotic.

I might have lied, this could be about something, but only if you make it to be.

I encourage you to stop reading. Turn off the computer, before I actually say something worthwhile.

Purpose, it exists. And in the most beautiful way I might add.

Purpose in Jesus, living through Him by living for Him, He is everything that is good, pure, righteous, morally right, joyous, merciful, and wonderful in this universe, He created it all. He blessed us by giving us this wonderful to take care of it and enjoy it. Living with and for God is the purpose. And doing what we are created to do is the thing that will give us the most joy will it not?

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
-C.S Lewis

"I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for joy."
-C.S. Lewis

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through Him and for Him." 
-1 Colossians 1:15-16


Let us run to the arms of our Creator, our Father, our friend.We try to create meaning and purpose through pointless objectives. We try live creation without the Creator. We try to maintain life while ignoring the prescence of the Life Giver. He gave His life for us, the least we can do is give our lives back to Him.

He Loves you, He Loves me, He died, so we could live... Is that not the essence of Love? Isn't the Truth worth fighting for? Worth living for? Is that pointless?


-A Boy on a Journey