It's hard writing a paper. At least for me it is. I'm in class staring at a screen for hours. I don't do much and I wonder where my motivation has gone. Is it the fact that I have six weeks left til graduation or is it the fact that I feel overwhelmed by things because I can't seem to start and finish one thing? Maybe I should find some outlet, some type of hobby that I actually enjoy and can do without someone yelling at me. I feel so done with high school. I praying and hoping that college will be better, but if I don't become more diligent will it ever change. And maybe even a lot of people will call me mature for realizing this, but the problem is, I don't feel like I am at all. I see people achieving these great things by doing what they love and they never stop working. But I feel trapped in things that I have grown tired of, maybe with the initial enthusiasm and then my interest tapered because it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. In fact, all the things that I thought I would be fine with I have struggled the most with, and the subjects I thought I would dread the most in the beginning ended up enriching my life the most.


I couldn't imagine what the people who started Google had to deal with when they began operations. And now they own the world. Without them there wouldn't be this great blog with this great user interface and I couldn't vent to the world as efficiently. Google gave everyone something that they could waste their time on or even be productive with. Writing is productive for the most part and in this case I believe that it could even be healthy or therapeutic. Production. Efficiency. Peace. Purpose. These are some of the things I would love right now. While I know I have a purpose, I feel as if I'm missing purpose in the things I do. While I do produce things, I don't feel like I produce things that are needed. While peace sits in my grasp I continually sit and wonder if I'll ever actually reach out to grasp it. And efficiency? Well I just do not know. 


I hope many things. But not in all things. I hope I can write a paper that will make some sort of difference in someone's life, but I dare not hope that it actually might come of something. And this defeats itself.


I might be rambling, more of me talking to myself than talking to an audience. For if I was talking to an audience I might want to pick a subject that people would want to read about. People get drama at school and on Facebook, so why read about internal issues on a blog? Isn't life full of better things? Such as Happiness and Joy? Peace and Hope? Faith and Love? Maybe. Well it is, but you don't always feel that way. Maybe that's it. The whole point of why I've been typing for the past twenty minutes. There is a disconnect.


There is a disconnect between my feelings and Truth. Because if my feelings were dictated by what I know to be true, I would have endless Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Love,  Faith and Self-control. But instead my feelings are dictated by what I see, which is very depressing to me now that I can see it. As once I saw the things of the world as something enjoyable, but I'm beginning to find it more detestable. And I as I find it more detestable I begin to find the things of God more delightful and even more fulfilling than what I had before. It's like replacing your diet of Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Capri Sun with fruits, vegetables and water. At first you may not think it a benefit for it does not taste as good, but as you reap the beauty and energy from this new found diet, you begin to cherish it.